Tom Coughlin

Tom Brady

Eli Manning has nerves of steel. If you were to tell Eli Manning that he had ten seconds to live, he would stare at you calmly for 15 seconds before walking away unfazed. Growing up in New Orleans, Eli was given the gift of eternal youth by a voodoo high priestess, and he will always look 17. Little known fact: Eli is actually an even better quarterback throwing left-handed, but he doesn’t want to show off. It’s just not in his nature.

Victor Cruz

Coach Coughlin is known as a disciplinarian, but few people know that he has an infinite amount of love in his heart. During romantic comedies, he laughs on the outside, but he cries on the inside when the lead characters inevitably work through their differences and fall in love. Coughlin was given the chance to replace Steve Jobs and make a bazillion dollars a year, but he chose instead to lead the Giants to another Super Bowl.

Eli Manning

Sixteen weeks ago, no one had heard of Victor Cruz. Now defensive backs hear his name even in their sleep. He’s fast, elusive, and one hell of a salsa dancer. His smile has been known to mysteriously power small villages that don’t even have electricity. It’s fucking crazy.

Jason Pierre-Paul

Jason Pierre-Paul is a freak. Ridiculously athletic and powerful, JPP can rip a phone book in half. With his balls. Strangely, Jason is a very tender lover.

about the giants

Founded in 1925, the New York Football Giants are one of the NFL’s oldest and most storied franchises. In the offseason, Giants players -- quietly and without recognition -- fight crime and evil around the world. Eli Manning has single-handedly prevented nuclear war thrice. And though the files will be forever classified, it is well known that Jason Pierre-Paul is the man who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden.

Interestingly, all members of the Giants are guaranteed to go to heaven - even Dave Brown. There is mounting speculation, however, that God may change His mind and deny entrance to Tiki Barber.

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Justin Tuck has played this entire season with an injured neck. How injured is it? Look at him. It’s fucking gone. That’s how hurt it is. The man has no neck anymore. He had to have it removed. And still, he’s wreaking havoc. All while nursing sick birds back to health with his mind.

Justin Tuck

Chase Blackburn wasn’t even on the Giants team most of the season. He’s such a surprise that the closest I could find to a picture of him was Chevy Chase in Fletch. Before the first Giants/Packers game this season, Blackburn was living at home, staying in shape by chasing moving cars and tackling them. Half the time when you hear about a riot and people are flipping cars, it’s actually just Chase Blackburn working out.

Chase Blackburn

Ahmad Bradshaw is 5’10, elusive, strong, and plays the banjo like he invented it. I don’t know what that means and I don’t care, because ever since little Ahmad has been back, the Giants have been winning. Some people think it’s because he’s Terry Bradshaw’s son, but those people are blind.

Ahmad Bradshaw

Hakeem Nicks has hands so large that just thinking about his penis scares me. When Sully Sullenberger had to land a US Airways plane in the Hudson, the tower at La Guardia first tried to see if there was time to get Nicks to pluck the plane out of the sky with his bare hands (Nicks was busy teaching sign language to people standing three miles away from him).

Hakeem Nicks